Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
🐕🍷
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*