Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out