Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
That earthquake could have been an email.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow