Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
You Might Also Like
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.