GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??