I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV