Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
this is the greatest thing ever
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship