A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
who wants to go expliring
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”