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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.