[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Catercrombie & Fish
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You had me at “define legal”.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?