My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
You Might Also Like
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.