I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
You Might Also Like
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?