It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa