I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
good let them take over I have had enough
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie