You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
You Might Also Like
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
(yawn)
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade