My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.