Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.