they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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The prophecy is fulfilled
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
In banana years, I am bread.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”