Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES