Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*