Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it