my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Air conditioning – not a fan
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family