“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.