WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
A fake ID that makes you younger
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.