America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room