just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
jesus, what did this guy do
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries