Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
You Might Also Like
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Everything reminds me of my ex
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining