I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place