“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Saturday
The three genders
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes