Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download