Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You Might Also Like
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries