Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.