waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.