I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
You Might Also Like
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO