My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light