me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts