[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
You Might Also Like
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
🙁
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.