dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
🤣🤣
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .