Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking