That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?