Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
S M O L
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.