Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Here’s a meme
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now