me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
You Might Also Like
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.