If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Good morning.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
my dog when i have a friend over
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure