Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
peep davidson
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.