Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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Current mood: Potato
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.