I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us