There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
cause of death:
autopsy.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr