My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer