it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You Might Also Like
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor